the last week has been hard

     It has been overwhelming at times.  I have never before felt that I physically could not get done in a day what I wanted to.  I have literally run out of time.  I get up in the morning and do at least 2 hours of work for the babies--feeding, loving, cleaning litter boxes, cleaning up messes before I go to work for 8 hours.  Then I come home and do it all over again.  I would not change a thing and keep digging deep for a bit of energy to get done what I need to and some of what I hope to. Monday I planned to run to the library after work, come home weigh and feed the babies, make my supper then watch my t.v. show at 6 p.m.  (I work until 5:30 so this tells you the pace I had to keep up in order to accomplish this).  I had promised the babies that I would grab a blanket, pillow, telephone, channel changer and we would curl up on the couch.  I was making myself have some down time as I had been running on empty for a long time (in the middle of an 11 day in a row stretch).  When I got home I found Jefferson had crashed so I phoned the vet and dropped everything and rushed him in.  He was barely alive.  I helped the vet by holding the oxygen mask on his face, listened to his heart on doppler (heart rate was 40 and should have been 200).  She gave him two meds via the rectum.  I was stroking and talking to him to keep him stimulated.  All plans were pushed aside.  I learned how to give an intramuscular injection and home we came after his heartrate went up to 80.  He would have been alone for the evening so I was all he had.  I came home with him and was immediately mobbed by 17 kittens who were starving and "where were you mom?"  So I got the human baby sling, warmed the split pea pack and put Jefferson in as I weighed and recored weights of 17 babies.  I then fed the babies after weigh in.  All the while I am talking, rubbing and crying on Jefferson.  I held him for 1 1/2 hours and vaguely thought of supper at 8 p.m.  At 8:20 p.m. Jefferson spewed vomit and died in my arms. I had a wide variety of emotions but could not afford to quit carrying on.  I tried so hard yet it was not to be.  So I was up until midnight trying to get some things done that had to be done.  I felt empty, disappointed, crushed, needed by the others, loved by the 17 babies still with me, tired, exhausted, drained and in shock.  I cannot change some things and I hate losing.
.     .      .       .      .Last night I came home from work and found Kennedy crashed.  She had been struggling for a long while and I was keeping close watch on her.  I lost her in the evening and had yet something else to deal with.  I am tired, have worked 11 days in a row, need to get a lot of things done. I took 7 babies to the vet for vaccinations and microchipping and health checks.  Vermont, Venus, Grayson and Griffin have graduated to being up for adoption.  Vaxton will be up for adoption next week and Onyx in 2 weeks.  Again emotions run as I have to really face the babies finding their forever homes.  This is a hard journey sometimes but whatever happens, I will deal with it somehow.  The babies need me and I need them.  Unconditional love is priceless.